History of the Process
I: live writing over Twitch, the total exposure of the inner process. Upon reflection, I deemed this type of vulnerability ineffective, as the writing process is meant to be inner and sacred. However, the DIY “exposure therapy” of open writing was a reclamation of the forced vulnerability and exposure of my creative pathways as occurred during my assault. PRESENTLY I do occasional “low-spoon” Sims 4 streams not rooted in verbal dialogue to disrupt barriers of social anxiety and overcome inner tension around the concept of games. PASSION for concepts such as universal design and maximalism.
III: Therapeutic Complexity, Career + Purpose (Good Luck) Hex, general “painting” (I’m making new pathways in my brain)
IV: The Patella Tarot - driven by the desire to illustrate polyvagal trauma theory I was drawn into the illustration and construction of a Tarot Deck using my body and life as metaphors, intensely intimate and rich in magical depths- the process of drawing activated creative pathways to further help in the construction of bridges to my generative abilities.
V: “Process” is an ongoing project that has already been attempted or explored through multiple mediums, with the ultimate goal of activating as many creative pathways in my mind in order to utilize neuroplasticity to rebuild pathways that are blocked or damaged due to a traumatic experience and near-death experience that has impeded my ability to write long-form fiction. With the belief and knowledge that emotions and memories live in the body and the general experience of my body being a carrier of trauma from unprocessed personal experiences, dislocations, hypermobility, arthritis, and chronic pain, there is an unknown surplus of creative seeds that can be discovered and explored through the reclamation of movement.
First off, I want to say how grateful I am to everyone who gets to know me from my voice and from my perspective. This journey has been difficult, writing is core to who I am and who I strive to be, and “losing” it was beyond devastating. I think that many people struggle with finding the time and ability to do what really matters to them, what they are called to within their soul. I believe existence comes with purpose and to be separated (alienated) from purpose has a devastating impact. This happens for a million reasons but when I look at the broader context of my assault and trauma, I see beyond the assailant when looking for blame. I see the fact that I did not feel safe (even if this feeling was unwarranted in retrospect to the immediate specifics of my situation) to come out as transgender with my family because being trans is something either unacknowledged or outright hatred in certain portions of religious communities. I see the fact that, as a person who knew my limitations meant at the time I could not healthily sustain full-time employment (I was well when able to work 4 days a week), I was backed into the corner of cohabitation where I experienced financial abuse and the often referenced assault.
Writing or creative expression in any form moves me forward in the rediscovery process of healing the psychological or physical trauma that has created blockages in my creative expression. I am finding inspiration in a million ways despite trauma and madness, using my neurodivergence as my weapon. For the sake of my mind, soul, spirit, and ability I can not pretend to squish myself into anything that is not in alignment with the inner drives of my purpose and what I feel called to create. I know from experience that to do so pulls to the edges of my existence.
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